Chapter 9 - Hard to say goodbye (Alex’s POV)
I watched as my grandma Sue was on the phone with my mom, I had the feeling I knew what Leah was saying. It was written all over Sue’s and Liam’s faces.
My dad was gone….. He was DEAD!
I just sat there on the couch watching, I could feel myself shutting down. Everything was getting fuzzy again. I tried to push away those feelings. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again. I don’t want to scare everyone again. It worked for now. I figured if I just pushed all the horrible feelings inside me, that I could at least act okay. I just hope it worked.
Liam watched me the whole time Sue was on the phone. I could feel the tears leak out of my eyes, I didn’t wipe them away at all. I just let them fall. Felt them wash down my cheeks and fall to the floor. It was like everything around me was flying around in a circle, the only things standing still was Sue, Liam, and I. I kept eye contact with Liam for a few minutes and I nodded my head at him, signaling that I was okay. He came straight to me and hugged me close to him. But, he wasn’t who I wanted, Liam wasn’t who I needed.
I wanted my Daddy…….. He was who I needed….NO ONE ELSE!
I pulled away from him and ran away from everything and everyone. As I was going out of the front door, I ran right into Seth and Carolyn. I didn’t realize at the time, but he was holding her in his arms and she looked like she had been crying. He looked down at me for a second. I have no clue what my face looked like at this moment, but he let go of me like I was on fire or something. I left them all there staring at me running down the road. I made it the beach in minutes and as soon as I made it to the tree I had sat on many times before, I let out the most agonizing scream I have ever screamed in my ten years of live. Well, eleven years.
Today is my birthday and I just wanted to die. I wanted to be with my dad. No one had even thought about it being my birthday, not that I cared much. I didn’t feel like celebrating anything. I screamed again and again, while the tears still fell down my cheeks. No one came after me, no one at all. My thoughts were going everywhere again and I couldn’t control them.
Im supposed to be back at home, in school with my friends. Im supposed to be happy and having a huge birthday party. Not here. Not crying. Not wanting to die…….
I sat on that tree almost all day and just stared out at the ocean. I was thinking about times I had with my dad, before Leah came into our lives. When it was just me and him. No one else.
When he taught me to ride my bike in the park; when he pushed me on the swings in the park; dinners we had together. Then I started thinking about him and the way he laughed, his smile, his eyes, the way it felt when he hugged me. It was all too much. He can’t be gone he just couldn’t.
“WHY WOULD YOU TAKE MY DADDY AWAY?” I screamed at God over and over. ,b>“HE’S ALL I HAVE!”
That made me think about Leah. It wasn’t true anymore, my dad wasn’t all I had. I still had Leah. That is if she still wanted me. What if she didn’t? What would happen to me? I felt the panic building up in me, but again I pushed it down. I held everything inside me. Every emotion, thought, and feeling; kept it all tucked away deep inside myself.
It was almost sunset when Liam and Carolyn came looking for me. I had my knees up to my chest still sitting on that same tree. I didn’t even see them coming, the only thing I remember was them sitting down on either side of me. Liam took my hand in his.
“Alex, its time to head back to Sue’s house. Alex? Alex?” He waved his hand in front of my face as he said my name over and over. He had a worried look on his face. I had heard everything he said, but I acted like I hadn’t. I just sat there looking at the ocean.
Why did it have to be my dad?
The thoughts that had been running through my head all day were getting worse and worse. I actually thought at one time in the day, why it had been my dad and not Leah? I cried for a long time after that one. I loved Leah, I really didn’t mean it, but I wanted my dad. I heard Carolyn’s voice next.
“Lexi, we need to go in, its getting ready to rain. Please?” She asked. I looked over at my best friend, well before Liam anyways. She had always called me Lexi, no one else could ever get away with it but her. I nodded my head yes to her and they both helped me up and we headed towards grandma Sue’s.
When we walked into Sue’s house, she and Seth were standing in the living room, looking right at me. They were smiling at me, something I didn’t want to see. How could someone smile at a time like this. A time where I just wanted to run away and never come back. But there was more then just them there. There was balloons and presents and a cake sitting on the table. Then they screamed the three words that would break me in two again.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX.”
I just stood there staring at them, looked each of them in the eyes then turned around and slowly headed up the stairs. When I made it to my room, I threw myself on the bed and cried until my eyes had nothing left in them to cry.
It wasn’t a happy birthday. I would never have another happy birthday again.
Those were my last thoughts before I drifted off to sleep that night.
The next couple of days went like this: I woke up, got dressed, headed down stairs to get something to eat, because if I didn’t Liam or Carolyn would bug me until I did. Then I would head out to the beach and sit there all day till it was time to go back to bed. I didn’t talk to anyone, or smile, or laugh; I just sat there. I didn’t even cry anymore. I didn’t have anymore tears left in me to cry.
Leah got back two days after the phone call that told us that they had called the search off. She barely said two words to me since then. She wouldn’t even look at me, even though I really haven’t given her the chance. Maybe I was right, maybe she wouldn’t want me after all.
We were having a memorial for my dad tomorrow, since they didn’t find his body we couldn’t burry him. So we, and when I say we I mean Leah, decided to have a memorial instead. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and stare at the wall all day. But she said it would help us to remember my dad in a good way; to help us realize he was truly gone from our lives. I didn’t want to realize this, I wanted to go to bed and wake up from this terrible nightmare we both seemed to be having.
So today I had to help Leah with all the last minute details of his memorial. I was numb. I just sat there in the living room listening, well not really listening, but acting like I was hearing every word that came out of Leah’s mouth. She still hasn’t really spoken to me or really looked at me directly. Its like she is trying to ignore me, like I wasn’t really here. I only wished that I wasn‘t here.
Why can’t they take care of this and leave me alone to be by myself.
“Alex did you hear me?” Leah asked.
“What?”
“Did you hear me ask you if you wanted to say something about Steve, I mean your dad, at the memorial?” I shook my head no at her. I hadn’t heard her and there was no way I was going to say something. “ Are you sure you don’t want to?”
I stared at her for a minute and she looked away from me. I could see the terrible pain in her eyes. She was putting on a show like me, acting like she was okay when she really was screaming on the inside. I kept staring at her for a minute until Liam came in through the kitchen.
“Alex, can we talk?” He asked, looking down at me. I couldn’t look at him either. I nodded my head and stood up.
I had been ignoring him for the past several days. I didn’t want to be near him anymore. He always tried to make me happy and laugh, but that was just something I didn’t want to do anymore. I know he was just trying to help, but I just couldn’t take being around him… even when it felt good to be near him. I always missed him when I wasn’t, for some reason.
When we got out to the front of the house he stopped and looked at me. I looked at the ground as usual. The way he always looked at me… I don’t know, it made me feel loved. But come on, I’m only eleven and so was he, we couldn’t be in love. He was my best friend and I could tell him anything, until now. I knew I had to keep everything inside or I was going to end up like I was before, nearly comatose.
He grabbed my hand and led me to the beach where we always talked. He led me to our tree and made me sit down, kind of forcibly. I just sat there and looked at my hands. I could see him standing in front of me. I wanted to say something to him, but I didn’t know what to say. He spoke before I could think of something.
“Alex, please look at me.” He paused and waited, but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t look into his hurt filled eyes. Or worse there would be pity in them and I defiantly couldn’t handle that. He let out a long breath that I guess he had been holding and started to speak again. “Alex, please talk to me, we used to talk. You told me once that you felt like you could tell me anything and I told you that you can. So talk to me. Alex, you need to let it out, stop holding everything inside. I know your hurting and acting like your not, I can see it…feel it.”
I didn’t look up at him and I didn’t talk. I just stared at my fingers as I twisted them together.
“Ok Alex, I’ll give you your space. But know this: I am here if you need me. I will always be here for you, no matter what.”
I only looked up in time to watch him walk away from me. He had left me on our tree to be by myself again. I sat there on that log thinking and staring again. I got up and started to take a walk down the beach.
I stopped when I came to the forest line. If I walked in there, maybe I could get lost. I could finally be alone. I didn’t think about it any more than that, I headed straight into the woods and didn’t stop. I just kept on walking and walking. I had no clue where I was or where I was going.
I didn’t know how long I had been walking when all of the sudden I noticed it was pitch black and I couldn’t see anything. I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to see because the noises where so scary in here. Every noise made me jump and scream. I was so frightened.
What was I thinking coming in here all by myself? Im so stupid! The trees are scary, let alone all the creatures that could be in here. What was I thinking? You weren’t thinking stupid, you just walked right in. You didn’t care what happened to you. My dad would be so mad at me right now. Yeah, he would be pissed at you. What, now I’m talking to myself? Have I really gone crazy or what? Okay, just calm down and think about what to do.
I looked around again in all directions, but I couldn’t see which way I had come from or where to go. My dad had taught me that if I was ever lost to just stay put so that was what I did. I sat down on a log and curled up in a ball and hoped and prayed someone would come looking for me. It was starting to get cold, all I had on was a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It was my Tinker bell T-shit my dad had gotten me at Disney World two years ago.
Good thing I had my tennis shoes on though, or my feet would also be cold. I started to rub my hands over my arms, but when I looked down at my arms I screamed and went totally frantic. It was gone, Liam’s bracelet the one he gave me. It was on my arm and now it isn’t!
I searched around for a while, then gave up because it could have been anywhere. I had lost the bracelet he gave me. I curled up in a even tighter ball then before and cried for both my losses - my dad and my gift. I put my head on my knees and rocked back and forth. I had no clue as to how long I sat there before I heard a muffled sound. I had no clue what it was, it was like a sniffling. I was frightened it was a animal that could kill me but I was too numb and cold to care. I still stayed wrapped up in my little ball and waited for it to come. If it wanted me it could have me. I had nothing else left.
Through my closed eyelids I saw muted lights and heard muffled voices. I was too weak and too cold to even lift my head to see where the sounds were coming from. They probably weren’t even real to begin with, probably just my imagination going wild on me. So I sat there rocking myself, trying to hold it all in. I wasn’t having any luck with it though, still sobbing and sniffling. I wasn’t quiet about it either. Finally I just let it all out of me, I screamed again, but this time I didn’t scream at God.
“WHY DADDY? WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME? I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND WHERE ARE YOU? YOUR GONE! ITS NOT FAIR.” I shook with anger and sadness. “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST COME BACK FOR ME? TAKE ME WITH YOU. PLEASE DADDY! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU……..”
I couldn’t get anymore out. My voice was dying fast with all the crying and screaming. My throat felt like sandpaper. I sat there waiting for anything, anyone to help me. Those voices and sounds had gone away a long time ago, long before I yelled at my dad. I wanted to take those words back but I couldn’t, it was what I had been feeling. Liam was right. It felt good to talk about them. It felt good to get those feelings out. To be angry with my dad and scream.
While I was thinking about this, still crying, I hadn’t heard those muffled voices or seen the lights coming to me. All of the sudden I felt arms around me and heard Leah’s voice.
“Alex honey are you ok? You scared me to death. I thought I had lost you too. Oh my God Alexandra! Here put this on your freezing.”
My mom helped me put on my hoodie. It was one of my favorites that my dad had bought for me. It was a yellow American Eagle hoodie. He bought it for me right before we came to the rez the first time. It wasn’t cold in Cali. I wouldn’t need it at home, but I always wore it when I was here. I called it my Forks hoodie. My dad……. I stopped that thought and just bawled my eyes out on my mom’s shoulder. She still loved me and wanted me.
After crying for a while, I sat back up and my mom wiped the tears away from my face and hers.
“Okay, lets get you back to mom’s house and in bed. We have a long day tomorrow,” she said gently and smiled at me. I tried to smile back, but I still couldn’t smile yet. I just nodded my head at her.
I looked around and noticed all the people who had come out here in the cold to look for me in the middle of the night. Sam, Sam Jr., Ty, Jake, Seth, my mom, and a couple of other guys from the rez that I didn’t know. No Liam though. I kept searching looking for him, but he wasn’t there. I started crying all over again. He didn’t care enough about me to come looking for me. I hurt him earlier and now he’s given up on me. I guess he didn’t want to be my friend any more.
I still hadn’t talked since they found me. All I could say though was “It’s gone……everything is gone…….my dad and my bracelet all gone……Leah I want my daddy.”
“I know baby. I know…I want him too,” she replied, crying.
She bent down to pick me up and carry me back, but Seth stopped her. He scooped me up and carried me all the way back to the house. I must have fallen asleep in his arms on the way back because the next thing I remember, it was the next morning and Sue was knocking on my door for me to get up and get dressed.
I threw the covers back over my head and told her to tell Leah to start without me.
“I don’t think so kiddo. You need to get up and get dressed. Then get your butt over to the hall. Your already late,” she told me.
“ I’m too tired, please,” I whined.
“Nope sorry baby girl, no can do. Now get your butt out of that bed and get dressed.”
I pushed the covers back and laid there staring at the ceiling. I let two tears fall down my face and then got up and got dressed. I put on my black dress and my shoes, fixed my hair mechanically. I don’t even think I looked in the mirror once.
After I was dressed, I headed down the stairs and everyone had already left. For a second I thought about going back upstairs and going back to bed. My dad deserves better then that. With that thought, I headed outside and to the hall where his memorial was happening.
Everyone was already there as I walked in and went straight to the place where I was supposed to sit. I waited through all the speakers. All the stupid people who didn’t even know my dad, each one saying the things that people usually did at these services. He was a great guy, or he was an amazing and caring person. Blah Blah Blah…yeah my dad was those things, but they didn’t really know that.
I looked over at Leah and the look on her face was like she was thinking the same as me. I almost smiled at the thought, but not quite.
That’s when Leah got up to talk about my dad. Just her words made me want to run out of there and get lost again.
“My Steve was an amazing guy. He was loving and caring. Sweet as hell. He loved his daughter with all heart and soul. He loved her more than he loved me and I was okay with that. That’s the way its supposed to be. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before. Sorry Sam but its true.” Leah actually laughed at this part and so did everyone else. It was at this moment I realized just how strong my mom is. She is the strongest woman I have ever known. Tears flooded me again and I burst out in sobs. I ran to her and hugged her tight. We both fell to the floor crying and holding each other.
“Leah, Im so sorry. Im so sorry. I blamed you and I wished it was you instead of my daddy. I’m sorry!” I said I was sorry to her like a million times. She just held me and whispered it’s okay.
I didn’t even care that there were people watching us. I didn’t care that this wasn’t really the right time to break down and I was letting everything come out. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.
We both got to our feet and she just held me to her side and we headed off the stage and back towards the back of the room. It was time for the lunch they had planned. I didn’t feel like eating so I headed outside.
I sat down on a wooden bench out there. I looked down at my wrist, where my bracelet used to be and I could feel the anger building in me again. He didn’t come and look for me. He didn’t care about me. He didn’t want to be friends anymore. I wonder if he ever did or if was he just being nice. His voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
“Alex, I’m so glad your okay. My brothers told me that you lost this.”
He held my bracelet in his hand, dangling it in front of me. I looked at it for a second and all that pent up anger and emotions that I had just been feeling came out through my voice.
“Liam, you can keep it. I don’t want it anymore, I want you to please just leave me alone. I don’t want to ever talk to you again.”
I got up and walked away. Leaving him standing there watching my back as I walked away. I made it all the way back to the house and in my room before I screamed and cried. The pain of saying that to him was excruciating. I just pushed away a person that knew me better than I knew myself. I collapsed on my bed and cried until I feel asleep. No one bothered me at all for the rest of the day and night.
The next two weeks went by in a blur. I wasn’t holding my emotions inside anymore and I cried a lot. Leah was always around and cried at times. She held me and told me that she was sorry that she hadn’t been here when I broke down before. She told me the reason she hadn’t been talking to me was because I reminded her of my dad so much and she couldn’t handle it at the time, but when I got lost it scared her so much that she sort of snapped out of it. We both laughed at that. Yeah, we laughed.
All of the sudden Leah stopped laughing and cupped her hand over her mouth and ran to my bathroom. I heard her getting sick. I didn’t know what to do. I went over to the door and asked if she was ok. She didn’t answer me, so I ran down stairs and got my grandma Sue. She came up and went in there with Leah. I went back down stairs and waited for them to come down.
When they did grandma Sue was all smiles and so was my mom. I had no clue what was happening until Seth and Carolyn came in the house. Leah told us to all have a seat. So we all did. Then she looked right at me with that same smile on her face.
“Alex, everyone. I’m pregnant,” She said, still staring at me.
“WHAT?” I yelled.
I didn’t even give her a chance to answer me, I darted up to my room and locked the door. I didn’t even know why I was so mad at her, but I was. I laid on my bed again and cried. I wanted my dad again, but after I thought about it, it wasn’t my dad that I wanted. It was someone else. Someone that I had hurt, someone who hadn’t talked to me at all since that day. I hadn’t even seen him since then. That made me cry even harder.
A little while later I heard a soft knock on my door, got up and unlocked it. It was my mom. She came in and sat down on my bed. She moved the hair away from my face and asked me something I didn’t expect her to ask me.
“Alexandra, what do you want to do?”
“What do you mean?” I asked taken back.
“Well, do you want to stay here or do you want to go back home? I know you mad that I’m having a baby, but our house is where your dad wanted us to be. He wanted to have a baby with me and grow old together. Since the growing old together didn’t happen, I’m happy two of his wishes can come true. If you want to go home we will, if you want to stay here, we will. Its up to you.”
I looked at her face and in her eyes and saw that she didn’t want to force me to do something I didn’t want to. So I asked her to give me some time to think about it. She nodded her head and left me to myself.
The next couple of days, I thought about it. I hadn’t made my mind up until the day Carolyn had to go home. She was crying and so was I.
“I wish you were coming home. I’ll miss you Lexi,” Carolyn said, hugging me.
“I know, I’ll miss you too,” I told her back.
We hugged for a few minutes longer and she went over to talk to Seth. Liam was looking at me. I hadn’t seen him or talked to him in so long that it hurt. He looked miserable. Actually he looked sick. I looked at him and was so sad, tears fell out of my stupid eyes again giving me away.
He slowly walked over to me, but he wouldn’t look at me. I hated the silence between us. He, as usual, broke the silence first.
“Alex, can we at least be friends?” Was all he said. I nodded my head and he smiled. “I guess you’ll be going back home soon too huh?” He stated, but it sounded more like a question. I wanted to see what he would say to me if I said yes, so I nodded my head.
He looked okay with it, like it wouldn’t matter to him if I left. It would probably make him feel better if his sad little friend did go home. So that’s what I was going to tell Leah. I didn’t even say another word to him, I turned around and headed back to Sue’s. When I got there I went right to the kitchen.
Leah and Sue were sitting at the table there. I walked right in looked at Leah.
“I know what I want to do.”
“Okay. What do you want to do Alex?” She asked.
“I want to go home….”
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