Chapter 12 - Open Wounds to Repair (Alex’s POV)
I went up to my room, a place that I had been hiding most of the time lately, got changed for bed and went over to my computer and turned it on. I had a urge to e-mail Liam immediately, but I held back. He had hurt me. I had hurt him too though, but I wasn’t sure if I could put into words at the moment what I was feeling. My daddy was home and I wanted nothing else then to tell him, my friend, but I was also scared he wouldn’t want to talk to me. I had to tell someone though, I was so happy. But I didn’t e-mail anyone, instead I texted Carolyn telling her everything. Then I headed over to my bed and got in. I closed my eyes and was fast asleep before my head hit the pillow.
The next morning I woke up and got dressed for school. I walked over to my desk and picked up my cell to check my messages and of course there were three from Carolyn. To say she freaked out is an understatement.
I started to text her back and told her I would tell her everything at school. As I was putting the letter ‘l’ on school, my dad knocked on my door. I absently told him to come in as I quickly finished the message and sent it off. As he quietly entered my room, I looked up and immediately recognized that all too familiar look he had on his face. I had seen that look on his face many times throughout the years…it meant he had something very important to talk to me about.
“Alexandra honey, we need to talk about school.” He gave me the knowing look. I guess Leah told him that my grades had gone down the drain.
“What about school dad?” I asked playing it off like I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Alex, you know what I mean, Leah told me your grades are terrible. You know how I am about your grades. I always taught you that no matter what happens you have to keep those grades up. So what are we going to do about them?”
“I’ll talk to my teachers today and see if I can do some extra work to bring them up. Im sorry dad, its just that I didn’t really know what to do, I um…” I paused for a second to figure out how to explain this all to him. I figured I used to be able to tell him anything so I would just come out and say it all. “I felt alone dad, I told you that. I felt lost but there was so much more. Every time I tried to work on school stuff I just couldn’t think about it. My thoughts would always end up on you or Liam or losing everything that I had loved.“ I broke down and tears were leaking from my eyes again. I shouldn’t be sad anymore I should be happy I had my dad back.
“Alex listen, I understand, but I’m back now and its time for you to step up and fix what was messed up. I’m going to go into school with you this morning and see what we can do to fix it all. Okay?” I just shook my head. Tears were still coming and fast. He dried my tears and then headed out of my room, but before he could leave he wrapped his arms around me and held me for a minute.
I got the rest of my stuff together and headed down stairs to eat breakfast and then dad and I headed out to the car. Least I wouldn’t have to ride the bus this morning. The car ride was strangely silent, until my dad cleared his throat and asked me about Liam. I told him about how he took care of me when everything just fell apart and how I treated him and how I ran away and got lost in the woods. Then I told him about how Liam didn’t come to find me. My dad was quiet the whole time and just listened to me tell the whole story.
He didn’t even say another word to me after that. We got to the school and dad and I headed into the principals office and the counselor came in too. We figured out a way for me to get caught up with everything and get my grades back up to where they were.
The rest of the day went smoothly, even telling the whole story to Carolyn went smoothly. She, of course, had to bring up the obvious. She wanted to know why I didn’t e-mail Liam, but I honestly couldn’t come up with a good enough answer that would satisfy her.
After school I got on the bus for the short ride home. When I got home I went straight up to my room and got started on the boat load of homework I now had. When I turned on my computer I had ten e-mails and they were all from him. I opened the first one and couldn’t even read it. I turned it off after the first four words. ‘Alex I miss you.’ I sat there staring at the turned off computer screen for a few minutes, then made myself get up and go down stairs.
I went to the kitchen and ran right into my mom. She took one look at me and she grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug. I cried in her arms for a few minutes before I could speak.
“I should be happy, I have my daddy home. But I’m not as happy as I should be…someone else is missing. But, I can’t even talk to him. I don’t even know what to say.”
She didn’t say a word, she just held me waiting for me to cry it all out. Leah is a great mom like that. She knew I didn’t want someone telling me what I should do or what they would do, I was tired of all that.
I looked up at Leah, my mom, and saw the love in her eyes and I knew exactly what I needed to do.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret that day. It was the biggest mistake of my life so far. It’s been six years since that day. Today is my seventeenth birthday. Every birthday that has gone by has made me think of him. I’m now a Senior in High School, the Class President, Head Cheerleader, and I have an amazing boyfriend that I have had for about four years now. Taylor is a great guy, he’s sweet, but I still feel like something is missing. I know in my heart what it is, but I’m too scared to say it out loud.
For the past several years he has e-mailed me every day, but I haven’t even looked at them. I can’t do it, but I can’t delete them either. I still remember the words I typed that day. ‘ Hey…yea my dads back…of course I’m happy. Listen Liam, I’m back home and you’re there, please…. I’m trying to get on with life and be happy. Im tried of being sad, I don’t want to keep bringing you down. Maybe you should try to be happy too.’
I had felt like I needed to let him go, so he could be happy. I felt like all I did was bring him sadness. When I hit the send button, I felt my heart shatter. He replied right away, with four words….’I can’t do that.’ The hurt I felt was crippling. I was trying to give him an out and let him go but he wouldn’t take it. I fell to the floor crying. Why couldn’t he just take it. I wanted him to be happy and I was bringing him down. I crawled over to my bed and cried myself to sleep.
I walked down the stairs to the house passing my little brother on the way. He reminded me of Leah so much. You could only see a little of my dad in my little brother Harry. Leah named him after her dad. He was a sweet kid and he was only six but damn he was almost as tall as me. As I went by him he stopped me on the stairs and gave me a big hug and wished me a happy birthday. I smiled and thanked him and headed on down the stairs.
Leah was in the kitchen with pancakes ready for breakfast. I sat down to eat and my dad came into the room with a huge smile on his face. I watched as he walked over to Leah and kissed her then walked over with his own plate and sat next to me. He put his hand in his pocket.
“Well Alexandra, my little girl. Well I guess your not little anymore. But you will always be my little girl, but anyways…” I hated when my dad did this kind of stuff, stuttering like an idiot.
“Dad why don’t you just spit it out already.”
“Okay, since its your birthday today and your mom and I didn’t want to or couldn’t wait to give you this any longer…” he stopped again, but this time he brought his hand out of his pocket and there was a set of keys dangling in front of me.
My eyes must have popped out of my head, because both him and Leah were laughing at me. A set of keys…come on was he serious? Are they for me?
“Dad, what’s going on?”
“Well since you got your drivers license already and its your birthday, your mom and I figured you would need a car, so…” this time I cut him off. I got up out of my seat and ran to the front door. And there it was, my beautiful new mustang.
I could feel my mouth open, my mind was telling it to close but it just wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to say or do, I just stood there in the open doorway looking at it like it was going to disappear if I took my eyes off of it.
“Is…Is…Is that for me?” I finally asked.
My dad just nodded his head and I turned around and hugged him.
“Are you serious, that’s mine?” he nodded again with a huge stupid grin on his face and looking at me like I was stupid. “Thank you dad. It’s…wow!” I jumped away from my dad and ran down the stairs to my new car.
I started the beautiful yellow mustang that was all mine and smiled up at my dad who was still standing on the porch. Leah ran out of the house with my purse in her hand.
“I think you will need this,” she said laughing. She looked up at my dad and smiled. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to go pick up Carolyn and go for a drive, is that okay?” I asked. She nodded and I backed out of the drive.
I headed towards Carolyn’s house, grabbed my cell out of my purse and called her. She had already known I was getting a car. She even told Leah what color to get me. I got to Carolyn’s house and she ran out, waving to her mom. She jumped in my car and we drove off.
“So where are we going?” she asked.
“I have no clue. Where do you want to go?” I asked.
“It’s your birthday, what do you want to do?”
We headed to the mall to hang out with friends for a while. Then we went to the movies to try to kill time before we had to go to practice. We didn’t expect to have to go home before it but Leah called me and told me I had visitors at the house. I had no idea what she was talking about, so I headed back to the house. Carolyn and I had tumbling tonight for cheerleading, then we had our band practice. So she just came home with me.
When I pulled up, I saw a bunch of people in my front lawn. People…more like men in my front yard. They were playing football, but as soon as they heard my car they stopped. I watched as their mouths all dropped and their eyes followed my car until I stopped. Carolyn was staring at them all funny.
“Carolyn hurry up, stop drooling. You don’t even know who they are. I’m going to go in a say hi then we have to get going,” I told her. She got out of the car and she spotted him. Seth was smiling at her and her eyes lit up as she ran to him.
I shook my head and waved then headed into the house. I didn’t even stop to say hi, but instead ran up the stairs to my room to change. I got into my clothes then headed out of my room and ran back down the stairs, out the door. That’s when I saw him. I tried not to let the smile cross my lips but it did anyway. I guess they are here for my birthday.
I couldn’t look at him long-but I couldn’t look away from him either. It was like my eyes didn’t want to look away from that sculpted body. But I also knew if we were late again we would have to do laps and there was no way I was doing that again. Plus, if I was honest with myself I really didn’t know what to say to him. I was scared to let him see the hurt I still felt towards him. I threw my bag into the back seat and yelled for her to come on or we would be late.
“And if I have to do laps again because of you, you are dead,” I yelled. All the guys started laughing. I let the top down on my car as I started it back up, cranking the radio as I revved the engine, drowning out their laughter. I love this car. The song “Call Me When Your Sober” blared through the speakers as Carolyn came running over to the car.
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
Should I let you fall,
lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving
Ourselves and I'm sick of the lie
I sang the lyrics as I backed out of the drive. I loved this song, it helped me to let the anger out to sing it loudly. Carolyn and I sang all the way to the gym. But I kept getting this feeling like we were being watched, it was a weird feeling. I tried to ignore it but I kept looking around as I was driving trying to figure out who was watching us.
When we got there I looked over and Caro and she looked so sad. I walked over to her and asked her if she was okay. I could see how much she wanted to be back at my house with Seth and everyone. But, she knew we had to do this, so we both walked into the gym together. Despite my attempt at a prompt arrival, we were still late and had to do laps anyway. Fun!
I ran right alongside Caro, she was still sad so I stayed with her. Trying to cheer her up I ran backwards making faces at her, that’s when I saw them walk into the gym. All the guys had followed us. Carolyn didn’t see them yet so I kept on running with her and just turned around. Before we could get back around to them our coach had us stop and called all flyers to come and get stretched - that meant me, Caro wasn’t a flyer, but I was. She was a base usually for me. I gave her an apologetic look and headed over to Matt who was going to help me stretch and who was lifting me today.
I took one look at him and he knew what I was going to say before I did, but he was smart and didn’t interrupt me. He had dropped me a couple of months ago and I got hurt.
“If you drop me today, I will cut your dick off. K?” His eyes got huge and I couldn’t help but snicker. I also heard a couple more snickers coming from the guys from the rez. I now recognized some of them, Liam’s brothers were there, so was Seth of course. That’s when Carolyn noticed they were here and her smile was blinding. She was okay now.
I looked away from Seth and Liam’s eyes caught mine for a split second and I wasn’t paying attention to Matt and he went to lift me and dropped me. The look on his face was priceless. I doubled over laughing. I looked over at Liam and his face made me laugh even harder. He was pissed. He looked like he wanted to come over and beat the shit out of Matt.
Matt helped me up and I looked at him and almost started laughing again. He was scared of me. I shook my head at him and let him lift me up. I raised my left leg behind my back and above my head, it was one of my favorite stunts, I was the only one of the squad that could do it. Carolyn was always one of my base members. She was right behind me. She would catch me if I fell so I stretched a little more and I saw a flash of a camera go off and I lost my balance and fell. Carolyn caught me, like I knew she would.
It just wasn’t my day today.
“SHIT!” I screamed punching the mats.
“That’s it Alex, twenty laps now!” Now I was pissed until I saw who the flash came from.
It was my Taylor. Carolyn helped me stand up and I ran over to him jumping into his arms and wrapped my legs around him. I hadn’t seen him today and I had missed him. Of course true to form, Taylor took his hands and placed them right on my ass and very slowly kissed me right in front of everyone, our tongues colliding in a sensual dance of joy, making all my squad say “aw” in unison. I broke away from our kiss first, watching as his face turned down in a frown and I couldn’t help but laugh. I got down off of him and play slapped him and then reached up on my toes for another kiss.
I looked over at the guys and met Liam’s hurt eyes and felt shame like I had never felt before. I watched as he left the gym and so badly wanted to go after him, so that’s what I did. I ran after him, hearing my coach yell after me as I ran out the doors. I had hurt him again, but what did he expect me to do? Live my life unhappy?
When I got out to the sidewalk, I grabbed him and stopped him.
“What? You come here and expect me to what? Not be with someone? What are you doing here in the first place? I haven’t even talked to you in what, six years?” I let my anger flow. I couldn’t help it, I didn’t understand what he wanted from me.
“Whose fault is that? I’ve sent you an e-mail every day since that last one you sent me. I’ve missed you, I came here with my family to see you and wish you a happy birthday. I miss my friend.” I stood there watching his back as he walked away without even looking back at me.
I didn’t go back into practice at all, instead I went back into the locker room and got my stuff and headed back out to my car. I found the rest of the guys leaning up against it with Carolyn. I didn’t look at any of them, I got into my car and waited for Carolyn.
I turned on the radio “Good Enough” by the same group came on and I broke down right there in front of everyone! I hadn’t cried over him in a long time, but now I was miserable. I hit the steering wheel with my fist and I heard it crack.
“Ouch…FUCK!” I screamed as even more tears came pouring out of my eyes. Now I was in so much pain. Why? Why did he have to come back? I was getting my life back together finally and now what am I supposed to do, be unhappy?
All the guys looked at me now. Seth came over to me and took my hand in his and looked at it.
“I think it’s broken. We need to get you to the hospital.” He got into the drivers side of my car and made me scoot over. Carolyn got in the back of the car and so did the others.
Seth drove me to the hospital and Sam Jr. called my mom and told her what happened and what was going on. I heard her in the background freaking out. I was still in tears over all of it. My hand was killing me, but my heart was in pieces again and it wasn’t fair. I sat there in the seat of my new car, in a ball in the passenger seat crying, cradling my arm to my chest. I doubled over in so much pain.
When we got to the hospital everyone was there in the waiting room. I rolled my eyes as everyone fussed over me. Including all of Liam’s family. He wasn’t there, again. He must not care at all, he says he does, but he can‘t show it. They took me to my little curtained off room and had me lie down until they could take me to get it x-rayed.
While I was waiting, Leah went to go get me something to drink. I laid my head on the bed and waited, closing my eyes. The next thing I knew Liam was clearing his throat. I opened my eyes and he was standing by the curtain looking at me with those eyes. I couldn’t really look at him still, I was pissed at him for acting the way he did. But I wanted to talk to him, I wanted things between us to be okay and be like they used to be.
He walked over to me and put his fingers under my chin to lift it like he did all those years ago. I looked at his gorgeous face and he was staring into my eyes like he could get lost in them.
“Alex, I came here to see you and to wish, someone that I care about, a happy birthday. I do miss you, I wish we could go back to the way it used to be. I want my friend back, okay? Please say we can at least be friends. I’m sorry your hurt and I’m sorry it was because of me. I’m sorry for so many things Alex. I’m sorry I hurt you back when everything was so messed up. I should have come looking for you. I was hurt that you wouldn’t talk to me. I felt like I was losing you and that you were losing yourself. If that makes sense.” He paused for a minute to take a breath and he looked at my tear filled eyes. This was all I wanted to hear from him. I know he probably put this in the e-mails, but I wanted it to come from him…more like I needed to hear it from him.
I stopped him before he could get another word out.
“Liam, that is all I ever wanted to hear from you. I was so hurt when you didn’t come to look for me. I thought you didn’t want me around. And when I said I was going back home you looked like you didn’t care, so I came home. I thought you didn’t want me around and that you didn’t want me as a friend anymore. I’ve missed you too, more than you will ever know. It hasn’t been right with out you. I had my dad back and I was still unhappy, I didn’t understand it! Of course we can be friends again.” His smile was so beautiful that I had to smile too.
He bent down to hug me and my hand was under us and I screamed.
“Oh shit. I’m so sorry Alex. Damn it, I can’t do anything right.”
The nurse came in to get me x-rayed and as I looked back at Liam who was so upset with himself, I asked the nurse if he could come with me. She told him he could and my friend came with me. I had my friend back and for that I was happy, my wounds were on their way to being healed all except my hand.
My hand was broke which meant no more cheerleading for a while. I was so upset about that.
When I got back to the house it was all decked out and I could hear the music blaring. Carolyn came over to the car with a huge smile on her face. Before she could get to my door and open it, Liam had my good hand helping me out of the car.
“Thank you,” I said as I looked into those beautiful eyes of his. The sadness was gone and for that I was happy. I hated seeing him sad.
I wasn’t sad either anymore. It was like the boulder I had been carrying on my back all these years was lifted and thrown far away from me. I felt light and giddy. I was actually excited for it to be my birthday, something I hadn’t felt since before that one birthday when my life had been flipped upside down. The day when that boulder was dropped on my back.
“You’re welcome. Alexandra come on, let’s go party,” he said, bringing me out of my memories. I smiled at him and nodded my head yes.
My hand still hurt some but I didn’t care, for right now I was that happy girl again. The one that couldn’t wait to get to La Push to see Liam. The one that had everything she wanted, well, at least I thought that.
I walked into my house and it was filled with my friends from school and my friends from La Push. As soon as I walked through the door they yelled ‘Happy Birthday.’ I smiled and of course blushed. Liam was watching me the whole time. My parents had pushed the living room furniture aside and created a dance floor for us with a table full of presents and a DJ was playing music for us to dance to.
I ran up to Liam’s mom and hugged her, I loved his mom, she was great. I saw his dad and he smiled at me and I smiled back. I had already seen his brothers but they were standing with a girl who I didn’t recognize - one that looked just like Emily. It was Liam’s sister Tallia. She is so tall and beautiful, most of the guys in the house were staring at her. She was only seven but she looked like she could be my age. She walked over to me and introduced herself and hugged me. After that we all started dancing.
I was dancing with Liam when a knock on our front door sounded over the music. My mom went to answer it and it was Taylor. He saw me in Liams arms and the frown on his face wasn’t just a frown, it was an expression of pure anger. I hadn’t seen his temper, ever. He was always happy and smiling, but faster than I thought possible he was by my side and taking Liams hands from around me.
“I’m cutting in, since the birthday girl is my girlfriend.” They stared each other down and I could have sworn I saw Liam shaking. I had never seen him get really angry either.
I was standing in between the two of them. Looking from one to the other, I just knew a fight was going to happen. I slowly leaned towards Taylor and went to whisper for him to stop, but he grabbed my arm, the broken one, and pushed me aside. I’m not sure if he meant to push me as hard as he did, but I ended up falling over the coffee table that was pushed up against the couch. I landed on the couch but it still hurt. My broken hand was throbbing. The next thing I knew, I was hearing Liam yelling at Taylor.
“You don’t lay your hands on her like that, you fucking asshole. You hurt her! I’m so going to fucking kick the shit out of you!” He wasn’t quiet about it either, he was yelling at Taylor and up in his face. Liam was clearly shaking now. It was like he was vibrating, he was almost blurry to me. I couldn’t take my eyes away from him though.
Taylor’s a tough guy, he plays football and is on the wrestling team. But damn, Liam looked big too. I hadn’t realized just how big he was. I’m not sure who would have won that fight, but Sam went over with Liam’s brothers and got him to go outside. He was still screaming at Taylor the whole way out and as he went to pass through the door his eyes traveled over to my face. His eyes locked with mine and we shared a secret message with each other… I wasn’t angry with him and that I was okay.
He went ahead and let his dad and brothers take him outside to cool down. Taylor didn’t even come over to me, he just stared at me. I could see shock and hurt in his eyes. Carolyn and my mom where the first ones over to me, then Liam’s mom. I loved Emily, she was like a second mom to me. All the while Taylor just stood where he had been, but now there was anger back in his eyes. Anger I didn’t understand.
Leah handed me my pain meds for my hand and a glass of water and I took them. After the almost fight every one of my friends left. My dad was pissed to say the least. After I got up from the spot that I had landed, I watched my dad walk, more like stalk, over to Taylor. He didn’t get into his face like Liam had, instead he very calmly told Taylor to leave and that he was not ever welcome back at our home again. I was shocked a little. I really like Taylor, we had been dating for a long time and he had never laid a hand on me.
I wanted to argue with my dad about what he had said, but before I could open my mouth to speak, my dad gave me the look that said, ‘don’t even try’. Taylor looked at my dad, then at me, bowed his head and said ‘yes sir’ and walked out of my house.
As soon as Taylor was gone Liam walked back in. He came straight for me, like he was a freight train that was late for arrival.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine Liam. It’s okay,” I told him with a smile. “Are you okay?” He just nodded his head at me a smile creeping up on his lips. He didn’t look okay though, he looked worried like he knew I wouldn’t stop seeing Taylor. Which I wasn’t going to do no matter what my dad said.
“Can we go for a walk?” He asked me, bringing me out of the conversation I was having with myself in my head.
“Sure.”
He grabbed my hand that wasn’t hurt and led me out the door. We walked down my sidewalk and headed towards the back of my house. Before we got to the woods he stopped and looked down at me. Man he was tall.
“Alex, listen do me a favor. Be careful. I can see it in your eyes that your not going to stop seeing Taylor. You always were stubborn like that…. as a friend, promise me that you will be careful.” His hand reached up and very hesitantly stroked my cheek with his thumb. I nodded my head and told him yes.
“Hey Liam, all those e-mails you sent me, I didn’t get rid of them. I still have them, I just couldn’t read them. I tried a couple of times, but as soon as I opened it… well I just couldn’t read it. Listen I promise you, from now on when you write me I’ll read it and write back okay?” His smile, the one I loved to see on my best friends face was back, no more anger in his eyes. His smile was brighter than the moon that shown above us.
We both sat down on the grass and looked up at the moon.
“How’s your hand?” He asked me taking it into his and kissing my knuckles. I pulled back my hand a little, it felt too close like we used to feel. It felt like something I wasn’t ready to share with him just yet.
We sat out there for a long time, just talking about stupid stuff. He asked me about cheerleading and why I loved it. I told him I loved the feeling being thrown in the air and knowing ‘hopefully’ someone would catch you. When I said this, I can’t be sure, but I could have sworn I heard him say ‘I’ll always catch you’ under his breath. I explained to him the feeling I get when I do a trick that I had never done before. We talked about his school and what he had been doing. He now played football and mostly hung out with his friends. The conversation always ended up coming back to me though.
When we were getting ready to get up to go into the house he stopped me.
“Alex, I want you to have this…” he said quietly, pulling out a bracelet. I gasped, he had kept it. “Its your bracelet, I couldn’t get rid of it. It’s sat on my dresser all these years. I looked at it everyday and thought about you. Would you do me the honor of wearing it again?”
“Yeah! I always loved that bracelet and when I thought I lost it I just about died.”
He took the bracelet and put it on my wrist where it would stay for the rest of my life. I knew that. It felt right for it to be there. I leaned into Liam and he hugged me to him and sighed. He buried his face in my hair and I heard him deeply inhale. This hug felt so right that it made me cry.
“Alex what’s wrong?” I heard the sudden panic in his voice.
“Its nothing…well its just that I’ve missed you so much and I never realized how much until right now, with you hugging me. I need you in my life Liam.”
“Then in your life I will always be. I’ve missed you too my Alexandra.” He kissed the top of my head and just held me for a few minutes.
We both looked up at each other and smiled, he reached up and dried a single tear that made its way down my face. We both stared at each other for a moment, you know those moments in the movies when you know the characters are going to kiss, this moment felt just like that. But we didn’t kiss. Instead we both looked away. It was too soon anyway and I loved Taylor. I couldn’t do that to him, even though I wanted Liam’s lips on mine to let our tongues tangle together. Hmmm. I kind of liked the picture that was forming in my head of Liam and I together.
That sound must have actually come from my lips because Liam turned to look at me.
“What?”
“Nothing, I was just…I was just remembering the first time I met you.” Nice save Alex.
“That was a great day. One of my favorites. Hey Alex, do me a favor before we go in. Promise me you will go back through those e-mails and read some of them.”
“Of course I will, I had already planned on it actually.” That smile spread across his lips again and we both headed back into the house.
The next morning was a sad one. They were all leaving to head back to La Push and I so wanted so badly to go with them. Carolyn came over to say goodbye to Seth and she was already crying when she got to the house. When she got out of the car she turned to look at her mom and yelled ‘ OK MOM!’ As soon as her mom pulled away Seth ran to her and scooped her up in his arms.
When it was time for them to leave, Liam walked over to me and promised he would e-mail me tonight as soon as he got home. I smiled at him and told him that I would miss him and of course his reply was better than mine.
“I already miss you.” Those words were the last thing he said to me that day. He kissed my head again and hugged me then got into the car. I didn’t want to let go of him, I always felt right and safe in his arms, but of course his dad cleared his throat with an apologizing look on his face for the both of us.
I watched him get in the car and, hand in hand with Carolyn, we stood there and watched them drive away from us. Again. Once the car was no longer in sight it felt like a piece of me was missing. I looked over at Caro and knew she felt the same way. We both walked into my house and straight up to my room. She was going to spend the night with me tonight, for that I was happy. I would have someone to talk to this time and not shut down.
As soon as Carolyn stopped crying and let go of me, I headed over to my computer and started to read all the e-mails he had sent me throughout those years we were apart. Carolyn had ended up reading with me most of the day and night.
The first one I opened was a one liner. All it said was ‘I didn’t want you to leave.’ I looked at the date and time of the e-mail and tears were flowing. He had wrote that seconds after I had left, I could both hear and feel the hurt in those words he wrote. I remember feeling like he didn’t want me there, like he didn’t care. Come to find out he did and that tore at me.
“ I was so stupid Caro. Why didn’t I just read this, I could have saved us so much time and sadness.” Carolyn squeezed my hand and clicked on the next one. I looked at the time first it was just about two hours after the first. This one had more than a one liner.
‘ The wolf in me needs my friend back, the wolf in me can’t tell you how much you mean to me. I am that wolf Alex, a wolf in desperate need for you. I’m lying here in immense pain because you left. Come back to me Alex, please come back to me.’
I felt like I couldn’t breath, that message was sent around the time that I was having that dream on the plane. I always knew that the wolf in my dreams was him. Carolyn of course didn’t understand it, but I did. I had never told her about the dreams.
Right as I was trying to explain it, my mom brought us in some lunch. She came over to us and asked us if we were okay, she saw the tears in my eyes and tried to dry them away but more came. She looked up and read the message on the screen. Normally that would piss me off, but not today, she knew about my dreams so she would understand. She shook her head and asked Carolyn to move over. My mom held me and whispered into my ear.
“You always said the wolf in your dreams was him. I always knew you were right, but you needed to figure it out for yourself. I’m so glad you two worked things out. Tonight I saw a side of you that I haven’t seen in so long. I missed that side of you.” She hugged me tightly for a second then told us to eat before we read anymore.
When she left, I clicked reply before I ate, I was going to tell Liam about that dream and how I knew it was him, and how I had tried to help him but I couldn’t reach him. The e-mail was long and explained everything I felt that day and the day I told him I was leaving. I was exhausted after writing it. I went over and ate the sandwich that my mom made me and the chips.
By the time we ate and talked a little more my yahoo had a new message. I ran to the computer and opened it. It was from Liam.
‘ Hey you, I just got home and see you already started reading those e-mails. I just read the one you sent me back, about your dreams, I’m sorry you had bad dreams. How did you know I was the wolf? We had never talked about wolves before around each other that’s why I’m wondering. I know those e-mails are going to make you cry, but please just try to be happy. Missing you already,
Liam’
I laughed at the part about never talking about wolves, but I remember having a dream about a wolf and knowing it was him, when I was still in La Push, I think it was his eyes that gave it away. I could feel it was him. So that’s what I told him.
I kept on reading the e-mails sometimes replying. Some of them were one or two liners, some were like journal entries. ‘Went to beach and thought about you and when we used to spend time together here.’ ‘Went for a walk in the woods and remembered you telling me you were scared to go in there and I still laugh at that.’
The one or two liners always said something along the lines of ‘why wont you forgive me or please Alex forgive me. Some even said, ‘I miss my Alexandra.’
He was right, they did make me cry because they made me see that as much as I had tried to fight it I had missed him and had thought about him a lot over the years, like he had thought about me.
It took me a long time to read all the e-mails. But about a month later, I had replied to the last one. Liam and I had talked everyday, writing e-mails or on the phone. It was great to have my friend back, but I often wondered if we would ever be more than just friends.
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