Chapter 5 ~ Finding Out Who Else Was Meant For Me
I waited till they were all gone. When Seth passed me he gave me a small smile and I saw tears in his eyes. They all hoped I was getting better. I sat there for a moment longer and all of the sudden it all came out.
I told Jake about the car, the cliff jump, the nightmares, not talking, everything I could think to tell him I did. I told him I got the box of letter’s and things he had collected. I told him they helped me sometimes but not enough.
I told him I never thought I would get over the pain. When I said this I hung my face in my hands crying. When I said this all of the sudden I could feel a warm breeze go by my face. It felt like a hand creasing my face. It was him.
So I kept telling him about not hunting in two years and the burn that was so constant from not going. I told him about my dream tonight. And again I started crying and hung my head in my hands this time I felt his hand under my chin lifting it up. When I looked up I saw him. He smiled at me and all I could do was stare at first.
“Jakey? Is that you?” I whispered
“Yes Nessie, it’s me. Honey I’ve tried to talk to over the past two years, but you would never listen to me. I didn’t know what to do. Ness, I know you did those crazy things. How do you think you came away from that crash Ness? HUH! I protected you from that. I was right there with you. I pulled you out of the water too Ness. I don’t hate you, I never could hate you. I love you too much for that. Baby girl, I want you to be you again. I heard what you told me that day. That made me the saddest I’ve ever been. That part of you, needs to come out Ness its been buried long enough. That hurt worse than you telling me you hated me. I knew that wasn’t true. But saying good bye to that part of you was torture. You keep asking everyone something. You asked my dad the first night when you laid with me and told me goodbye. You asked him if I knew you loved me. Honey, I know how much you love me and I will always love you, but you have to let me go. You’ll never get better if you don’t let this hurt go. You have something good coming for you, but you have to let it happen. You’ll have to let me go before it can. I’m not saying let me go and forget about me. Please don’t do that, but you have to move on with your life. Your still stuck in the past honey, you have a happy future ahead of you, if you’ll let it happen. Please be happy and let it happen Ness!”
“Jakey, please don’t stop talking. If you do I’m afraid I’ll lose you again.” I said crying and shaking. I felt his arm go around me and that at first made me cry harder then I smiled really big.
“There’s the smile I love so much. I haven’t seen that in years.” He told me.
“ I thought I’d never feel your arms around me again. Jakey, I’m sorry I went away. I’m sorry I did those stupid things. I just don’t know how to be happy without you. I don’t want to be without you, Jake. I always thought you’d be with me. I wanted to marry you and have kids with you, if I could. I wanted to be with you forever. I just don’t know how to rewrite that future I had written for myself. I turn 18 in 2 weeks. And the one gift I want I can’t have. I know I’ll never have it again and it kills me. All I want is you. DON’T YOU GET IT I JUST WANT YOU! I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO HOLD ME AND KISS ME. AND HOLD MY HAND WHEN WE WALK DOWN THE BEACH. WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE WHAT I WANT JACOB BLACK? WHY?” I screamed. I couldn’t take it anymore it all just came out all the anger I had been suppressing for the past two years just came tumbling out. “IT’S NOT FAIR. WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ME JAKE, NOT YOU, WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN LEAH, OR SAM OR SOMEONE ELSE JUST NOT YOU! “
Just then when I said why couldn’t it have been Leah or Sam I heard a gasp. I just turned around slowly and saw everyone. I just curled up into a ball on the ground and cried even harder. Jacob whispered in my ear
“Because honey, it was my time to leave you. So someone else could have a chance to love you my angel” so I whispered back.
“But I don’t want to love anyone else!”
I felt Jake trying to comfort me by putting his arm around me again. It worked for a minute until someone spoke.
“We’ll come back Ness! Okay.” It was Billy.
All of the sudden I heard Jake talking to his dad. Billy smiled and listened to him. I saw everyone stiffen. I guess they heard him too. I don’t think they had heard him before. I heard him say…
“Dad, I’m trying to help her. You know how much I love her. I need your help and I’m going to need my packs help. Sorry Sam that excludes you, but if you want to help you can. I want you to take her back to our house dad. Put her in my room. Call Bella tell her everything, if I have to I’ll go talk to her, but anyways next after she gets some much needed rest I would like the pack to take her hunting” when he said this he whispered in my ear “and no weaseling out of it, you are going. Try to beat Seth.” Then he spoke up again. “ Did you hear that Seth, see if you can get a larger animal than Ness. I doubt you will, but try. She usually wins!” I laughed at that. He stopped because I hadn’t done that in a while. He smiled at me and went on talking. “ After the hunt I want her to go back to our house again and go back to sleep for the night. Tomorrow, we’ll see what to do then.” Then he turned to Leah and gave her a mean look. “Oh and Leah, I heard everything you said to her that day! I watched her back you out, and heard you complain to Sam. If you ever are mean to her again, I will come back and haunt you! I promise you this. Now Sam, After I take care of Nessie tonight I will be talking to my pack. They will not be joining you anymore! Sorry. There was always supposed to be two packs and there will be again after tonight.”
“Ness do you think you can walk?” Billy asked me.
“ Sure Billy.” I told him, but all of the sudden I couldn’t really. I stood up and about feel back down.
“ Seth, do you think you could carry her if that’s okay with her?” Jake asked Seth then turned to me. “ Nessie is it ok if Seth carries you to my house?”
“ Jakey, I don’t care as long as you don’t leave me right now.” I told him. I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him, honestly I think this is what I had needed all along.
“ I won’t leave you I promise, I’m going to take care of you like I’ve been trying for the past two years, I love you Ness!” He whispered to me. I smiled again. I smiled the most I had smiled in a long time. It felt so good, I don’t know how to explain the feeling.
So Seth picked me up into his arms. All of the sudden I felt so tired I snuggled into his chest and fell asleep. But right before I feel asleep Seth looked at me. It was weird he just stared at me. So I smiled and so did he.
The next thing I know I was being put into Jakes bed. Seth smiled at me and spoke to me again.
“Have a good rest Nessie. Dream happy dreams, okay. If you need anything I’ll be in the living room.” He was being so sweet, the Seth I knew, again. He actually looked me in the eyes again too.
When I looked over Jacob was laying next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. I fell asleep in a Spirit Warriors arms. He wasn’t really what they called a Spirit Warrior, but he was a spirit and he was my warrior, always fighting for me and protecting me. When I woke up Jake wasn’t there so I just lay there thinking. I guess he had to go talk to my mom. I bet that was a shock to her. I would have loved to see her face. But it didn’t take too long. Then he was back.
“You ready to go hunting Nessie?” He asked me.
“ Yeah Jakey, I guess. I’m going to lose though. I haven’t been in two years” I told him. “Where did you go?”
“You’ll beat him, trust me! Your an amazing hunter. I had to go talk to your mom. She didn’t believe my dad. You should have seen her face. It was hilarious Ness.” He was smiling down at me!
“Will you come with me?” I’m scared to go without you Jake!”
“No Ness, you go with Seth, he’ll keep you safe don’t worry. I’ll be here when you get back. Your mom said for you to stay here as long as you needed.” He told me.
“I’m scared this was all a dream and when I get back you’ll be gone!” I told him. I started to cry again. He didn’t say anything for a while, so I just cried louder. Seth came in.
“Ness what’s wrong?” He asked me. He looked really worried.
I just looked up at him with tear streaked eyes and told him the truth. It just came out. I felt like I could tell him anything. It was weird feeling it was a feeling I had toward Jake.
“ Seth, I’m scared! I haven’t went hunting with anyone besides Jacob. I haven’t been in two years!”
“ I won’t let anything happen to you I promise. It’s instinctual Nessie. Oops I mean Renesmee. I know you don’t want to be called Nessie. Sorry!” He told me, he came and sat next to me and put his arm around me. It felt a little weird at first, but in a way it felt nice.
“ Thanks Seth, you can call me Nessie if you want, its fine with me. I bet I can still beat you though!”
I paused and took three steps toward the door to Jakes room. Jake smiled at me. I had used this maneuver on him before, to get the head start, not that I needed it. But I didn’t know how fast Seth was. Seth figured it out pretty fast, but I was already out the door and across the beach. I smelt a mountain lion a mile away so I darted through the forest and got it before he even made it through the trees. It tried to fight, but I took it down with just one blow to the neck. The blood felt so good going down my throat. One mountain lion wasn’t enough, I ended up with a elk and a deer before I was finished. By the time I was done I felt slushy. I waited for Seth, it only took a second more and he was there. I just smiled at him and pointed down to the mountain lion and the elk. He also had an Elk but not as big as mine! Next thing I heard was Jake laughing.
“ I warned you Seth, she was always better than me. She don’t even cheat. Ness do you feel better?” Jake asked me.
“Do you need more?” Seth asked
It felt a little weird both of them trying to take care of me. I just looked at them both and said one line.
“No I’m fine actually I’m kind of full now.”
“Well what do you want to do now?” Seth asked me. But then he added “You look a little tired still. Do you want to go back to the house?”
“Yeah, I am a little tired, but I want to talk to Jacob alone if that can be arranged.” I turned to glare at Jacob.
“Okay Ness, I’ll see you later, all right?” Seth said with a smile
“All right, see you!” I told him.
The way he was looking at me was kind of cute, so was his smile. I can’t believe I just thought that. What was I thinking. Had all that blood gone to my head. I just stood there for a minute while he walked away. I walked back to the house and laid down on his bed. Jake stood there for a minute then stooped down next to the bed.
“What do you need Nessie?” He asked
“ Why..” I paused I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say.
“ Why, what Ness?” So I just blurted it out!
“ Why is Seth looking at me that way, the way you used to look at me?”
He just stared at me. I blushed. He smiled and touched my face and I started to cry.
“What’s wrong Nessie?” He asked me brushing tears away again.
“ I wish more than anything that you were actually here with me. Really here. I want to be held and really held with strong arms. I want to curl into a perfect copper chest. I want to kiss….” I just stopped, I wanted to say you, I did want to kiss him but I had this other weird feeling that I wanted to kiss someone else too. That felt so wrong to me. I just stared at him and starting crying even harder.
“ I know what you mean Nessie, I wish I could be that for you too. But you know in your heart I can’t. You also know in your heart that there is someone else that can. He’s close too. I could get him for you. If that’s what you want. I know if I was here and you really could be with me, you would have said I want to kiss you, but we can’t do that.” He paused and I blurted out.
“ Why do you keep calling me Nessie?”
He looked at me really weird and said “ What do you mean Nessie? I’ve called you that since the day you were born.”
“No you used to call me Your Nessie. You haven’t said that at all. Don’t you want me anymore? Am I not yours anymore? Can’t I still be yours?”
He didn’t answer me, but I seen it in his eye’s I couldn’t. I closed my eyes and I took off my ring and ripped off my necklace really fast, it broke the clasp. I dropped them at his feet with slow tears going down my face.
It felt like my heart ripped open again, that big hole that I thought was being repaired. Just taking off the ring did all of that! I ran out of the room and down to the beach. I sat there for hours in a ball with my arms around my knees. It was starting to get dark when I heard someone come up behind me. It was Seth.
He sat down next to me and didn’t say a thing. It was starting to get a little cold and I shivered. He scooted over and put his arm around me. I couldn’t really help it and it made me cry even harder, but I turned and buried my face in his chest. He just held me tight and let me cry myself out! Then I looked up into his eye’s, they were beautiful. They were a mahogany color.
“I can’t be with him anymore, Seth. You know how much I love him. You know nothing will ever really change that. I can’t help that! No matter how hard I try I can’t make it go away. I’m scared to fall for you Seth. You imprinted didn’t you? On me? What if I fall in love with you and all my love for Jake goes away? What if I forget the love and him? I’m so scared!” I paused “ Never mind don’t answer me just…just please hold me Seth! Please!”
“ Ok Nessie, I got you its going to be ok I promise. I got you!” He just held me. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up I was back at Jakes with Seth putting me in the bed. I wouldn’t let go of him. So he just laid down with me.
“Go back to sleep honey, it’s Okay I’ll hold you till you get to sleep again.”
Within minutes I was asleep dreaming the same dream as always, but it was different this time instead of it being Jake it was Seth. I woke up muffling my scream with my hand. No one was here. No Jake. No Seth. I was all alone like my dream! Then I heard their voice down on the beach. So I snuck out of the window and snuck down there I hid behind a beached tree.
“ I’m sorry Jake. I couldn’t help it. I don’t want to hurt her, I’m scared I’ll hurt her. Do you hate me?” Seth asked
“No Seth I don’t hate you! I knew this was going to happen. You will take care of her. Your going to give her everything she wants and needs. You won’t hurt her, I promise. If you do I’ll find a way to come back and kill you, I promise you that! But do me a favor will you?”
“Sure Jake anything!” Seth replied
“ Let her remember me, Let her still care for me. Don’t take that away from her. Make her keep the presents I gave her, there on the dresser in my room. She took them off after I told her she couldn’t be mine anymore. She belongs with you now, Seth. Be good to her! Don’t let Leah be mean to her and hurt her. You’ll have to make her hunt, and take care of herself, for a while at least. She’s not going to be okay when I leave again.” He paused because they herd me gasp. I clamped my hand over my mouth and ran back to his room. I slammed the door shut and slid down the door with my hands over my mouth to muffle the sobs. Seconds later they both were there, Seth at the door and Jacob standing in front of me.
“ I don’t want you to leave, please don’t leave me again.” I cried “Please, Please, Please Jakey Please!”
“I have to. Seth will take care of you. It will take a while but your going to fall in love with him. I can already see it happening and so can you. You can feel it, can’t you? I love you Nessie. Nothing will ever change that even when I‘m gone! Even when you fall for him, he knows you’ll never truly be without that love for me. Let him love you and take care of you Ness. He’s going to be good for you. He’s in charge to my pack now. Help him, Okay! I need you to be happy again, honey please do that much for me. I can’t stand watching you like this. If you ever need me you know where I am. I’m always here for you. Take the ring and the necklace back please. You don’t have to wear it but keep it. It was a gift from me. I still cherish you My Nessie. I will always love you my beautiful girl. I cherished every memory I made with you. Every step we took side by side, I will remember them. Cherish your life and be happy in it, I have to go. I love you forever and Always My Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Don’t ever forget that, you are loved!”
With that he was gone. I moved away from the door and crumpled to the floor, but Seth caught me before I hit it.
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