Chapter 4 ~ Coming Back Home…Numb
It has been almost two years to the day that Jacob died and my life flipped upside down. If you could see me now you would think I was great. That my life was perfect! I knew better. I was a good actress, I had to be.
My life was still a wreck. Just like my car had been. Mangled beyond recognition. I hadn’t been back to La Push since Billy gave me the photo’s. I didn’t know what to say to him anymore. I really didn’t talk much anymore, anyways.
I had went back to just using my power and writing notes, after my accident. I didn’t hear Jakes voice after that again either. I still felt hollow and numb. I starting going to school, it was the only place I would talk, but only when I was talked to. I still felt like a big piece of me was missing and it was it was in La Push!
One day we got a letter from La Push. My mom grabbed it before I could get to it. She opened it up and read it out loud. It was a wedding invitation. Embry and Casey were getting married. Then my mom told me the date. It was the same date that Jacob had died.
I didn’t know what to say. I just turned around and walked up to my room. It wasn’t fair. I wanted so much to marry Jacob. Why would they have a wedding on the blackest day of my life. I didn’t understand what they were thinking. Right then my dad walked in.
“Maybe, their trying to take a terrible day and make a little bit happier.” he told me. I just looked at him and thought Are we going?
“Do you want to go? That’s what I came up here to ask you. It’s up to you.” He asked me. I told him I don’t know daddy, let me think about it.
I thought about what it would be like to see everyone after everything that had happened. I really did miss everyone. How would I feel to see them? Would it be a good thing or not? I didn’t know how to really answer the questions I had flying through my brain. I decided to go in the end, so I yelled for my dad in my head as always. Dad, I think I would like to go and see everyone, if that is okay? Do you mind going with me?
So the next day we left for Forks. I drove my new car. It was a Shelby Mustang, it was pearl silver. It almost looked purple in the right light and I loved it. My mom rode with me, we listened to music the whole way there.
When we rounded the corner to the our old house I saw Seth, Quil, Embry, and Billy there. I threw my car in park, and jumped out to hug Billy. He hugged me back for the longest time. I so had missed him. He still reminded me of the one I didn’t want to be reminded of. But, it didn’t make me cry.
Instead it made me smile. Maybe, I was getting better and just didn’t realize it! Then I hugged everyone else and told Embry congratulations and that I was happy for him.
By the time I had done that my dad and the rest of the family was there. I looked around and got a huge smile on my face. My mom and dad looked at me and then each other. I know I hadn’t smiled like that in a long time, but I finally felt like I was home. I had missed it here so much. That thought was interrupted by the boys ogling my car.
“ Is this your car Nessie?” Seth asked. Just the sound of that name felt like a bolt of lighting to my long dormant heart. I couldn’t answer him at first. I just shook my head yes.
“Wow Ness it’s gorgeous!” Quil said. There it went again that felling. My mom watched my face. I guess she thought I was going to break down and cry. When actually I didn’t feel like crying I felt like myself, the real me. Jacobs Nessie. I hadn’t felt like that in a really long time! I just couldn’t stop smiling.
I went to my old room in the cabin the new bed that I had taken out of my room in New Hampshire was in there. I didn’t care. I unpacked my things and went out to talk to my mom and dad. I actually talked too.
“Mom, dad can I go…”I paused I didn’t really know where I wanted to go. Well actually I did. I was kind of lying to myself if I say I didn’t. I wanted to go talk to Jake. So I just asked. “Can I be excused to go and talk to someone I haven’t talk to in a long time?” They knew who I meant, my dad the mind reader especially. He knew exactly who I meant. I could have just come out and said it. My mom was faster than my dad though.
“Sure honey you go where you want just make sure you take you phone with you. Call us if you need anything.” She said to me.
With that I was running out of the house. I ran so fast, I felt so free here! I hadn’t run like this since before we left for New Hampshire. I ran right to where he was at. I just stood there for an hour not knowing what to say or what to do. After that I just gave up and ran off. I went down to La Push, I ran to Billy’s house. He hugged me again for a long time.
“So Nessie, how have you been sweetheart? It feels like it’s been forever!” He told me.
“Fine Billy, It does feel like that doesn’t it. It feels good to be home!” I said all this, but I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I guess I knew in my heart that I really was lying to him. It was hard to lie to someone who reminded me so much of Jake. I wasn’t fine, I hadn’t be fine since the last time I actually seen Jacob alive. I knew he synced this because he just looked at me.
“No Ness, I don’t think you are! It’s not getting better is it?” He said.
“I’m okay Billy really.” I told him. I know he knew better but he let it go.
We talked for a little while then I went for a walk on the beach. Quil and Claire was walking hand n hand up the beach. When she saw me she came running.
“Nessie, Oh my, have I missed you!” she said laughing.
“ I’ve missed you to Claire,” was all I could say. Quil looked at me weird but he didn’t say anything. I told them I’d talk to them later.
I kept walking finally I ended up right back were I first wanted to go. At first I just stood there again. But then I went and sat beside him. I just looked down at his head stone and finally I spoke.
“Hi…. Hey Jakey. I really don’t know what to say to you. There’s a first huh. I’ve missed you.” I whispered. That was all I could say. So I just sat there remembering our times together. I remembered this one time we were on the beach and we were walking and I tripped him and he did a face plant right into the sand. He got up and chased me all the way home for that. When he caught me he tickled me till I couldn’t breath. I laughed about that for weeks. I guess I was so lost in thought, I didn’t hear Quil or any of the pack standing right behind me. I turned around and stared at them at first, but then Seth stepped forward.
“ Are you okay Nessie?” He asked me.
“ Yah Seth, I’m okay” I told him but just like Billy I really couldn’t look at him.
“ Hey Ness, look at me.” That was Sam talking to me. So I looked up at him and in that one moment I let everything just flood out of me. Every feeling I had been hiding every feeling I acted like I wasn’t going through. I guess in that one moment he saw all my pain in my eye’s. I looked away instantly.
“Do you guys mind letting me be alone? Please.” I asked them. I didn’t want to see those faces that I was seeing now. They all looked sorry for me. It was the faces I had seen on everyone since the day he died. I just wanted to be alone again.
“Sure Ness if that’s what you want, we will leave you alone.” Sam said.
“Hey you guys, Nobody calls me that anymore. My name is Renesmee if you don’t mind.” I told them all.
“Okay, Renesmee. We’ll leave you alone, see you at the wedding?” Seth said.
“Thanks Seth, See you there.”
They left me there with him all alone, just like I wanted. I still didn’t know what to say to him. I hadn’t actually cried over him in a few months, but as soon as they left it all just over flowed.
I still was just as silent as before. I sat there for several hours. My phone rang and I answered it was my mom asking if I was okay and when I was coming home. I told her that I would be there in a couple of minutes. Hanging up the phone I stood up and walked away from him. When I got home everyone had decided to go hunting. They didn’t even ask me anymore if I wanted to go, they knew I would say no. So they just told me they were leaving.
I feel asleep there shortly after. I dreamed a different dream of Jacob. I was standing in a meadow, next to a canopy of flowers. I could hear water running somewhere, I couldn’t see it though. It was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. One minute he was there again. He looked me in the eyes and said…
“Be happy, My Nessie. It’s all I want! Just be happy!” and then he took my hand and put my hand in someone else’s. I couldn‘t see the other person, it was like a shadow there. Like someone else was standing there, but I couldn’t see. Then Jacob smiled at me and walked away. I just stood there starring where he had been moments ago. Then I woke up crying.
What did it mean? I always knew he would want me to be happy, but who was the other person? Did he want me to be with someone else? I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t. So I got out of bed. I decided to try talking to him again.
I ran to where he was laid to rest for the third time today. When I got there I still didn’t know what to say but I made myself try. So I walked over and sat down there again. I looked down and I started talking.
“Hey I was thinking earlier about that time we went to the beach and I tripped you. Do you remember that? It was so funny! I miss my time with you. I feel like I’ve lost you forever. I barley can remember the things we did together. Actually to tell you the truth I try hard not to think about those times. It hurts to much.” I had to stop I started crying so hard I couldn’t breath. A couple of minutes went by and I heard something behind me and I turned around again and the wolfs were there again this time with Billy. He wheeled himself over to me. He put his hand on my face.
“I knew it wasn’t getting any better Ness. I saw it in your eye’s.” Billy said.
“ Billy I’m a good actress I have to be around everyone else. It’s harder around you. You and Jake, I don’t know, you remind me so much of him. He always knew when I wasn’t fine. He always knew what to say to me to get me to feel better. No one else can do that but him. I miss him so much it feels like a part of myself is in that hole with him. I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of hiding how much pain I’m truly in. But if my mom and dad see it they will make me leave and for once since we left I really feel like me. When I left Billy, I passed by here I told Jacob to say goodbye to his Nessie, because she didn’t exist anymore, but in all reality she does. She’s just buried deep down inside with the pain of losing him. Billy, this is the most I’ve spoken in almost two years. Most of the time I don’t speak at all. But, the two times I’ve come here today I haven’t known what to say to him. I don’t know its like I’m tongue tied, I’ve never had that problem around Jake, I always could tell him anything. Billy, I’ve done some crazy things since he died. Do you know about my car?”
“ The one you came here in?” He asked
“No Billy, the one I left here in, my Porsche.” I paused
“ No honey I don’t know, what happened?” He asked me. I had forgotten all about the guys behind me.
“ Billy, one night I dreamed about Jake and it’s the same dream that I’ve dreamed since the night he died. The one were he’s killed. We’ll I woke up and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted so much just to be with him. I don’t really remember a lot of what happened. But what I do remember is, I was driving really fast and all of the sudden I heard him Billy. I heard his voice tell me to slow down Ness. I freaked out and looked over to see where it came from and I lost control of my car. I rolled my car Billy, eight times into a tree. I walked away without a scratch. After that all I remember is waking up after several months at my house. I tried to kill myself.” I told him, breaking down crying “I actually tried to kill myself. I bet he hates me for that. I don’t know how I came away from that crash, Billy my door was up against the tree. I don’t know how I made it out of that water that night either. My mom told me that you all found me on the beach. Billy I didn’t try to swim. Something or someone pulled me out of the water. Just like someone saved me in that crash.”
“ Ness, I think you need to sit there and tell Jacob everything. I think the reason you can’t talk to him is because your ashamed of what you did. You can’t feel him here anymore can you?”
“ How’d you know?” I asked him.
“ I can see it in your eyes. He’s here I feel him. And I bet if you talk to him and tell him everything and really tell him what you need to tell him you’ll feel him to. Ness I think he’s been trying to help you, but you haven’t been letting him. We’ll leave you to talk. I’ll call your mom and tell her what is going on, in about a hour we’ll come back and check on you. If you need more time we will come back. Okay?”
“ Okay Billy” was all I could say. I watched as they left me to be alone with Jake again.
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