Chasing Fire Chapter 11 ~ Asshat Syndrome (Edwards POV)
I hadn’t seen or heard from her since she drove away from the scene in the grocery store. I wish I could have explained, if only I could have told her that Lindz had showed up out of the blue and that I had moved on.
I felt defeated watching her drive away like that. I saw the tears trail down her cheeks as she saw me and Lindz, but my stupid ass mind hadn’t put two and two together... She might just feel for me the same way I did for her. How could I be so stupid?
Why didn’t I handle that better? Why didn’t I see it from her perspective? Why on earth do I have to be such an idiot sometimes? I should have done a better job handling that situation, better than I did. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I always mess up?
I should have ran faster, but Lindz wouldn’t let me go. It took me yelling at her to get her to unwrap herself from around me. By the time I got out of the store, Bella was already driving away. I should have called her or something. But she would have hung up on me, I know her all too well, she probably would have told me in the nicest way possible to fuck off and go to hell!
I had hurt her; I had screwed up my chance of being happy again. Standing there in the parking lot, it took me a few minutes until I got up the courage to walk back in and finally tell Lindz that I wasn’t her Edward anymore. I wasn’t the same person and that I didn’t love her the way she deserved. We both had changed and we both had to live with that.
The thing was, I didn’t need to get the courage up at all, Lindz somehow already knew. I guess she saw it in Bella and my faces.
There were so many things I wanted to say to her. To tell her I wished things were different between us and that I could change it for the better. I couldn’t even find the words to apologize for being such an asshat and a total fucktard. I stumbled to find the words to say these things and as the moments passed by I couldn’t get them or anything else out.
I had so much to say but the only thing I could muster up and say was a single word. It left my lips in a hurry and it was so simple, deep and vague yet I wished I could have taken it back. I should have said something more meaningful and deep but it was all I could say to Lindz, was the simple word, Sorry. (But I really did mean it.)
“Edward there is nothing to be sorry for. I left, yes I lost my memory, but I left you and told you to try to be happy. I’m glad you found what you were really looking for. But I’ll tell you one thing. If she hurts you, you know where I am,” she said with a slight giggle.
I could see she was actually trying to hold back her real feelings though, Lindz always did that... hid her true feelings. I could see how bad I was hurting her, but in reality it didn’t matter, I loved Bella...I wanted Bella!
Maybe her parents where right I did hurt the ones I loved.
We hugged and parted ways and I watched another person drive away and out of my life.
The next several months I felt worse than I did after Lindz left me. I filled my time and thoughts with work, I never even went out with the guys. After work all I would do was lock myself up in the apartment and watch TV and think of her eyes.
Everything was so screwed up and I had no clue how to fix them. From what I had gathered she had went back to school and wasn’t planning on coming back here anytime soon.
Thinking of her was torturing me, it was so bad sometimes that I craved to just hear her voice. I even tried to call her once, but was such a chicken shit that I hung up on her. I didn’t know what to say to her. What could I say? I’m sorry that I’m such a fuck up?
Maybe next time I will keep it plain and oh so simple....
Sitting here thinking of her, was seriously driving me insane so I did the one thing that relieved my brain for a short period of time and that was of course go work. I headed to the one place that was my safe harbor. The Firehouse.
Emmett was on duty tonight with me and so was Jo. When I pulled up to the fire house both of them were sitting outside on a picnic table chit chatting to each other, but as soon as I walked up toward them, they quit talking and just turned to me smiling, like they knew something that I didn’t.
“Hey bro, go get dressed in your blues, we have to walk in the parade in about an hour. Jasper already called dibs on driving the truck. Alice is here and her and Rose will be driving in the Squad. Then we all are heading over to the fairgrounds for our duty over there as well. It all means an easy night for all of us, and maybe I can get to know Rosie a little better.”
The whole entire time he was talking I was barley even paying attention to him because all I could think of was how easy it was going to be and how it wasn’t going to help get her off my mind. Nodding my head I walked into the fire house and straight up to my bunk to put my things away.
Sitting on my bed, the thought of her and me at a fair came to me and then the vision of it crashed in my head because I knew that it would never happen. I more than likely was never even going to get to see her again. She was gone and wasn’t coming back. I didn’t even hear mom come into the room I was so lost in the thoughts of her.
“What’s going on with you Edward?”
“Oh...hey mom, I didn’t even hear you come in. Sorry, just thinking of things is all.”
“Let me translate that for you, you mean you’re thinking of her. Of Bella. Am I right?”
Smiling, I knew she would know exactly what I was thinking about. She knew me so much better than anyone else. Standing up and turning around to face me, Esme, my chief spoke some very crucial words and they were aimed right at me.
“Edward. You know that I love you, you are my son, but you can be a real bone head sometimes. Call her! If you can’t stop thinking of her, call her. Tell her how you feel, tell her you’re sorry. Just talk to her! I can’t stand seeing you like this, it’s worse than when Lindz left you. You need to get your head out of your ass and CALL HER!”
That was it; she walked out of the room and left me to think everything over. She was right I should just call her. Tell her I was a chicken shit and that I loved her....I really loved her and need to see her. I would do anything to see her again.
Reaching over to grab my cell phone, I hesitated for a slight second and in that slight second Emmett came barging in the room with Jasper hot on his tail.
“I thought you were up here getting ready, damn Edward we have to leave in less than five minutes. Hurry your ass up!” Jasper informed me as he clasped his name plate onto his shirt.
Rolling my eyes at them both, I jumped up and hurried my ass up and got dressed. I made a mad dash down the stairs and jumped into the truck faster than I had ever made it, with Jasper yelling over the intercom for me to hurry my ass up.
“Damn, give me a minute to get dressed.”
“Why, you don’t have anyone waiting there for you,” Jasper let slip not realizing how upset that would make me.
“Wow Jasper, really? Not cool man, not cool,” Emmett said, punching Jazz in the shoulder.
“Damn, sorry Edward I didn’t mean it like that, I was just messing around like we always do. I didn’t mean it seriously,” he apologized.
I could tell he really didn’t mean to say what he did, or at least he didn’t mean it the way it came out. They had no idea how hard it really was for me right at this very moment. I was wishing more than anything to stop thinking about her for a few minutes. They had no clue how hard I was fighting the urge to just give up and move on. They just had no clue...
We pulled the truck out of the station and headed toward the middle of town so we could get in formation with everyone else and line the truck up. Jasper was a lucky asshole, he got to just drive the truck along the two miles we had to walk, that would end up at the fairgrounds.
I had always sat on the sidelines and watched Emmett and Chief Cullen walk this path, now it was my turn. I thought I would have been a bit happier, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to be happy about anything.
We all were standing there waiting to start the parade, most of them very patiently, but not me. I was very fidgety; I couldn’t get what my mom said to me out of my head. Call her, was the words that kept going off in my head, the alarm clock blaring…Call her…Call her.
Glancing down at my pocket, the outline of my cell phone was just as bad as the words mocking me. It was like a glow in the dark beacon, blinking at me to call her. I was such a coward.
It didn’t take long until everyone else was all walking slowly down the town square and waving, smiling and throwing candy out to the little kids. I, on the other hand, was just throwing the candy out, walking down the tortuous path I was on.
“Dude, bro, you could at least try to smile for the kids around here watching us. For those kids that look up to us. That used to be you out there,” Emmett said bumping me in the shoulder.
At his words I pasted a fake smile on my face and kept on walking. I kept my eyes on the crowd and where we were going, until my whole world came to a halt.
I couldn’t move, I was lost in the one pair of eyes that I thought I wouldn’t see again.
One step....Two steps...
“What are you doing Edward? Get back into formation!” Jasper yelled.
“Dude seriously. Come on, we aren’t even near the fairgrounds yet!” Emmett shouted.
Three steps....Four....I was lost in her eyes. Lost in her sad, scared, lonely eyes.
Then I watched as she turned and melted back into the crowd.
