Chapter 2 – Finally Looking Around
March 8th, 2013
Nothing is the same as it was before my rant and Carson's change. We moved…again! That's the reason I haven't written in this journal lately. I've left all my stuff in boxes this time, we may have to move again eventually and this could make it pretty simple for me. Pick up the boxes and leave.
The other thing that has changed is my relationship with the boys. There isn't one now. Not even with Daryl. I don't talk to anyone; I lock myself in my room every day. They don't even care…why should I? That's how I feel about it all.
I have no clue how or even why he thinks I'm going to love him one day, because clearly after everything he has done since that day, there is no way in hell I could love him.
Today is my birthday. I'm seventeen today and all I'm doing is sitting here in my room, on my bed, writing in this journal. Happy Birthday to me!
All my connections to the human world are gone. He swears he loves me, but he left behind the one thing I truly love in this world, back in the last place we lived.
There was no room for him; that was his excuse. We can always buy you another horse Lilly, stop being such a baby. I didn't want another horse, damn it. How could he leave Forest behind? He had been my only love, the only way for me to feel free and normal. Now some other girl was riding him and jumping him. I couldn't stand the thought of it. All I had left was a picture of him.
I know it sounds stupid, but my horse was all I had that was mine. I'm surrounded by all these damn boys and my connection to the world around me is a horse, a horse that isn't even mine anymore. How pathetic am I?
"I'm going stir crazy," My voice whispered to no one in particular.
"Are you just going to stay in there forever?" His voice rang out from the living room. I didn't answer him of course, I left his voice go in one ear and out the other while I shrugged off his stupid question.
Unlocking my door, I walked through and out to the kitchen without even a glance toward him or anyone else in the house.
Once he realized I wasn't going to say a word to him or even acknowledge his presence, he walked out the front door, slamming it behind him.
I stood there waiting for him to come back in. When he didn't, I walked out the same door, but instead of following his dumb ass, I headed straight into the woods by our little place. Stopping in the first line of trees, I whipped around to stare him down, daring him to say a word or follow me.
Turning back toward the woods, I started walking and didn't stop. I didn't care where I was going. I just needed out of that house and away from him.
Seriously, what did he expect me to do? Be happy he dragged me out here and sold my horse? Really, is he that stupid?
I was so lost in thought that by the time I looked around, I was no longer in the woods but I had broken through the trees and was staring out at the ocean. I had no idea we were this close to the ocean. The sight of the water brought the tears that had been threatening to come break over the dam and came plummeting over the rim of my eyes. I plodded down onto the sandy ground and I just cried.
I cried for myself and everything I had gone through lately. I cried for my horse and how I would never get to ride him again. I cried for everything I didn't know and wanted to. I let myself cry for a past I had no idea about. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore.
Wiping my traitor tears away from my cheeks, I wrenched my sore muscles up from the ground and looked around, trying to figure out where I was. Not that looking around would help. I was desperately lost.
While I was trying to figure out where I was, I saw a figure running full speed toward me but it wasn't just anyone. It was Daryl.
"Seriously, why would you do this? WHY DID YOU JUST WALK OFF? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE." He yelled at me, so close that I could feel his hot breath all over my face.
I didn't move or say a single word to him. I just stood there and stared at him.
"YOU WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, LILLY?"
"Hey, are you okay?" Turning around to see who had asked the question, I came face to face with a boy who was just staring at me, waiting for an answer that I didn't get to give before Daryl did.
"We are fine, mind your own business. She just got lost, is all."
I tried not to look at the young boy. He was no older than ten. He was still just standing there, waiting for me to answer him. I didn't want Daryl to yell at him so I answered him as fast as I could.
"I'm okay, thanks." I replied.
"Alright. Be careful, these woods are easy to get lost in." He said, smiling at me.
"Thanks for the advice."
"Yeah, thanks," Daryl said sarcastically. "I think we will be fine." He replied, grabbing my arm to lead me back into the woods and back to the jail he called home.
March 9th, 2013
Why can't I just hit the fast forward button on my life and find out what will actually happen to me? I hope my life will be simpler in the future, but with the way things are going, I'm not so sure that will happen.
If only…two very dangerous words when it comes to my life. I have no idea what I should write after those words.
If only I knew the real me…If only I could be the real me.
It was that last line that sent my mind into orbit and I made a huge promise to myself.
I would find out who I was and who I would become. I would know the real me and I didn't care anymore about anything else.
I wasn't going to let anyone get in my way either, which meant that I had to do something about Daryl. I'm not in love with him and he needs to realize this and understand that I will never be in love with him. I'm tired of being treated the way he treats me and I am not going to put up with it any longer.
After putting my journal back in its hiding place, I headed out of my room looking for him. I had to tell him now. I wasn't about to chicken out and let this go. Putting on my determined face, I walked straight up to him and stood there, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence.
He was playing his stupid video games with the boys and he tried really hard to ignore me, but I just stood there with my arms crossed and waited. I could wait him out. I would wait him out.
It took him over thirty minutes though to even say anything and his tone wasn't one that I liked. It sent my blood boiling so much I couldn't help what happened next.
"I don't have time for you right now, so spit out whatever the hell you want to say."
"Oh really, you don't have time for me! Seriously, wow! I thought you told me you loved me. People that love someone, they make time for that person. Wow, that's really showing me you love me. You know what, I'm going to make this simple for you Daryl. FUCK YOU! I'M FINISHED!"
I didn't give him a chance to reply, turning on my heels, I high-tailed it back to my room, slamming my door shut as hard as I could and locked it. I leaned against it, waiting for him to come after me, but it didn't happen. As the tears flooded my eyes yet again, I heard his voice in the other room.
"Stupid females and their emotions."
That was the final straw, showing away from the door, grabbing a bag out of my closet and flinging it on my bed. Stuffing all the clothes that I could in the bag, I zipped it up and grabbed my back-pack as well, filling it up with all my books and my journal. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew that I would need money to get there.
I sat down on my bed. The plan hatched in my head and I was on autopilot then. I knew what I had to do. I would wait till they were all asleep. I would act like I was asleep as well and I would get what I need and leave without a single word to any of them.
While they were still playing their video games, I grabbed my warmest clothes, jeans, a hoody, and a pair of hiking boots that he bought me and put them all on. I knew I had to stay warm and it was going to be cold tonight. I also knew that I had to get as far as I could from him and the boys, because as soon as they realized I was gone, they would be searching for me. It wouldn't take them long to find my trail. I just had to make it to the bus station and I would be okay. It was going be a hike to get there though, so I had to get some rest. Turning off my light, I crawled into bed and tried to just relax without going to sleep. It was so hard to do, my mind was going off in so many directions. What if they found out my plan? What if they found me and drug me back here? What if
I couldn't do what I had to do?
I laid there as long as I possibly could without going crazy, until the house was finally silent. The only thing I had left to do was go into the kitchen and get into the lock box to grab the money. Then grab some food to take with me. Grabbing my backpack I opened my door slowly, I waited for a few seconds to see if anyone was still awake. Luckily, I could hear all of them snoring in the living room. Smiling to myself, I headed out to the kitchen and as quietly as I could, I grabbed the lock box off the desk and opened it up. It wasn't locked because Daryl trusted all of us. I took all the money in the box and slid it into the front pocket of my bag, then put it back.
Daryl owed me this money. This was the money from my horse, so I didn't feel bad about taking it. That was the way I justified taking the money from my so called family. Actually, it felt pretty nice. I almost giggled to myself, but luckily I held it in. Tiptoeing over to the kitchen cabinets, I took some chips, bread, peanut butter and a knife, sliding all of these in my bag as well. The last thing I grabbed was 4 bottles of water. With everything in my bag, I headed back to my room slowly closing the door behind me.
Looking around my room one more time to make sure I had everything and praying that none of the boys were going to wake up and go on patrol tonight, I slipped out of my window with everything I needed. I headed toward those same woods that I had escaped in earlier, without even a glance behind me. I knew I needed to get as far as I could before daybreak, so I just kept chanting to myself, to just keep going. I went as fast as I could with two bags, one on my back and one in my hands and hightailed it toward that beach.
Nothing is the same as it was before my rant and Carson's change. We moved…again! That's the reason I haven't written in this journal lately. I've left all my stuff in boxes this time, we may have to move again eventually and this could make it pretty simple for me. Pick up the boxes and leave.
The other thing that has changed is my relationship with the boys. There isn't one now. Not even with Daryl. I don't talk to anyone; I lock myself in my room every day. They don't even care…why should I? That's how I feel about it all.
I have no clue how or even why he thinks I'm going to love him one day, because clearly after everything he has done since that day, there is no way in hell I could love him.
Today is my birthday. I'm seventeen today and all I'm doing is sitting here in my room, on my bed, writing in this journal. Happy Birthday to me!
All my connections to the human world are gone. He swears he loves me, but he left behind the one thing I truly love in this world, back in the last place we lived.
There was no room for him; that was his excuse. We can always buy you another horse Lilly, stop being such a baby. I didn't want another horse, damn it. How could he leave Forest behind? He had been my only love, the only way for me to feel free and normal. Now some other girl was riding him and jumping him. I couldn't stand the thought of it. All I had left was a picture of him.
I know it sounds stupid, but my horse was all I had that was mine. I'm surrounded by all these damn boys and my connection to the world around me is a horse, a horse that isn't even mine anymore. How pathetic am I?
"I'm going stir crazy," My voice whispered to no one in particular.
"Are you just going to stay in there forever?" His voice rang out from the living room. I didn't answer him of course, I left his voice go in one ear and out the other while I shrugged off his stupid question.
Unlocking my door, I walked through and out to the kitchen without even a glance toward him or anyone else in the house.
Once he realized I wasn't going to say a word to him or even acknowledge his presence, he walked out the front door, slamming it behind him.
I stood there waiting for him to come back in. When he didn't, I walked out the same door, but instead of following his dumb ass, I headed straight into the woods by our little place. Stopping in the first line of trees, I whipped around to stare him down, daring him to say a word or follow me.
Turning back toward the woods, I started walking and didn't stop. I didn't care where I was going. I just needed out of that house and away from him.
Seriously, what did he expect me to do? Be happy he dragged me out here and sold my horse? Really, is he that stupid?
I was so lost in thought that by the time I looked around, I was no longer in the woods but I had broken through the trees and was staring out at the ocean. I had no idea we were this close to the ocean. The sight of the water brought the tears that had been threatening to come break over the dam and came plummeting over the rim of my eyes. I plodded down onto the sandy ground and I just cried.
I cried for myself and everything I had gone through lately. I cried for my horse and how I would never get to ride him again. I cried for everything I didn't know and wanted to. I let myself cry for a past I had no idea about. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore.
Wiping my traitor tears away from my cheeks, I wrenched my sore muscles up from the ground and looked around, trying to figure out where I was. Not that looking around would help. I was desperately lost.
While I was trying to figure out where I was, I saw a figure running full speed toward me but it wasn't just anyone. It was Daryl.
"Seriously, why would you do this? WHY DID YOU JUST WALK OFF? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE." He yelled at me, so close that I could feel his hot breath all over my face.
I didn't move or say a single word to him. I just stood there and stared at him.
"YOU WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, LILLY?"
"Hey, are you okay?" Turning around to see who had asked the question, I came face to face with a boy who was just staring at me, waiting for an answer that I didn't get to give before Daryl did.
"We are fine, mind your own business. She just got lost, is all."
I tried not to look at the young boy. He was no older than ten. He was still just standing there, waiting for me to answer him. I didn't want Daryl to yell at him so I answered him as fast as I could.
"I'm okay, thanks." I replied.
"Alright. Be careful, these woods are easy to get lost in." He said, smiling at me.
"Thanks for the advice."
"Yeah, thanks," Daryl said sarcastically. "I think we will be fine." He replied, grabbing my arm to lead me back into the woods and back to the jail he called home.
March 9th, 2013
Why can't I just hit the fast forward button on my life and find out what will actually happen to me? I hope my life will be simpler in the future, but with the way things are going, I'm not so sure that will happen.
If only…two very dangerous words when it comes to my life. I have no idea what I should write after those words.
If only I knew the real me…If only I could be the real me.
It was that last line that sent my mind into orbit and I made a huge promise to myself.
I would find out who I was and who I would become. I would know the real me and I didn't care anymore about anything else.
I wasn't going to let anyone get in my way either, which meant that I had to do something about Daryl. I'm not in love with him and he needs to realize this and understand that I will never be in love with him. I'm tired of being treated the way he treats me and I am not going to put up with it any longer.
After putting my journal back in its hiding place, I headed out of my room looking for him. I had to tell him now. I wasn't about to chicken out and let this go. Putting on my determined face, I walked straight up to him and stood there, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence.
He was playing his stupid video games with the boys and he tried really hard to ignore me, but I just stood there with my arms crossed and waited. I could wait him out. I would wait him out.
It took him over thirty minutes though to even say anything and his tone wasn't one that I liked. It sent my blood boiling so much I couldn't help what happened next.
"I don't have time for you right now, so spit out whatever the hell you want to say."
"Oh really, you don't have time for me! Seriously, wow! I thought you told me you loved me. People that love someone, they make time for that person. Wow, that's really showing me you love me. You know what, I'm going to make this simple for you Daryl. FUCK YOU! I'M FINISHED!"
I didn't give him a chance to reply, turning on my heels, I high-tailed it back to my room, slamming my door shut as hard as I could and locked it. I leaned against it, waiting for him to come after me, but it didn't happen. As the tears flooded my eyes yet again, I heard his voice in the other room.
"Stupid females and their emotions."
That was the final straw, showing away from the door, grabbing a bag out of my closet and flinging it on my bed. Stuffing all the clothes that I could in the bag, I zipped it up and grabbed my back-pack as well, filling it up with all my books and my journal. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew that I would need money to get there.
I sat down on my bed. The plan hatched in my head and I was on autopilot then. I knew what I had to do. I would wait till they were all asleep. I would act like I was asleep as well and I would get what I need and leave without a single word to any of them.
While they were still playing their video games, I grabbed my warmest clothes, jeans, a hoody, and a pair of hiking boots that he bought me and put them all on. I knew I had to stay warm and it was going to be cold tonight. I also knew that I had to get as far as I could from him and the boys, because as soon as they realized I was gone, they would be searching for me. It wouldn't take them long to find my trail. I just had to make it to the bus station and I would be okay. It was going be a hike to get there though, so I had to get some rest. Turning off my light, I crawled into bed and tried to just relax without going to sleep. It was so hard to do, my mind was going off in so many directions. What if they found out my plan? What if they found me and drug me back here? What if
I couldn't do what I had to do?
I laid there as long as I possibly could without going crazy, until the house was finally silent. The only thing I had left to do was go into the kitchen and get into the lock box to grab the money. Then grab some food to take with me. Grabbing my backpack I opened my door slowly, I waited for a few seconds to see if anyone was still awake. Luckily, I could hear all of them snoring in the living room. Smiling to myself, I headed out to the kitchen and as quietly as I could, I grabbed the lock box off the desk and opened it up. It wasn't locked because Daryl trusted all of us. I took all the money in the box and slid it into the front pocket of my bag, then put it back.
Daryl owed me this money. This was the money from my horse, so I didn't feel bad about taking it. That was the way I justified taking the money from my so called family. Actually, it felt pretty nice. I almost giggled to myself, but luckily I held it in. Tiptoeing over to the kitchen cabinets, I took some chips, bread, peanut butter and a knife, sliding all of these in my bag as well. The last thing I grabbed was 4 bottles of water. With everything in my bag, I headed back to my room slowly closing the door behind me.
Looking around my room one more time to make sure I had everything and praying that none of the boys were going to wake up and go on patrol tonight, I slipped out of my window with everything I needed. I headed toward those same woods that I had escaped in earlier, without even a glance behind me. I knew I needed to get as far as I could before daybreak, so I just kept chanting to myself, to just keep going. I went as fast as I could with two bags, one on my back and one in my hands and hightailed it toward that beach.
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